So, I had a dream last night.

Just forewarning all of you: This will be LONG.

Okay, so a little backdrop story:

I’m terribly afraid of bridges.

I know this may seem silly, but it’s true. And I’m deathly afraid of bridges over water. I hate them. If I’m driving, I don’t mind it because you’re on…then BAM…it’s off in like 2 seconds, right?

If I’m walking across a bridge…I feel compelled to run.

Either way, so last night I had a HORRIFIC nightmare about bridges. Not just about any bridges.

Bridges. Over. Water.

Yup.

What was weird was, at first it was like I was in my memories, jumping from memory to memory, like I was realizing why I was afraid so much of bridges…

Okay, let’s get this going already:

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I’m 11. Abby, Kristin and I are all at Kickapoo Park, going through the obstacle course for the 100th time. My mom is sitting in the park, watching all of us and reading. We get back around to her, out of breath.
“Debbie!” Kristin yells, going over to my mom. I follow behind Kristin, not saying anything.
“Can we go on the trails now mom?” I burst out, wanting to go hiking and ‘exploring’. I loved to play explorer.
“Sure, just don’t be out to long, it’s starting to get dark.” My mom says.

We immediately run off into the trees. After about 5 minutes of walking, we come to the old wood-bridge, suspended over Kickapoo Creek awhile down the trail.
“Let’s go Jillian!” Kristin says, jumping up the steps with ease. I get up to, Abby on my heels.
“Wow,” I say softly, watching the warm water go rushing past underneath the bridge at an amazing speed.
“Whee!!!” Kristin says, suddenly pushing the bridge.
“Watch it!” I say, my heart pounding unexpectedly as the bridge shakes and creaks beneath our feet. Abby jumps up and down a few times, the bridge shaking horribly.
It can’t fall, I remember thinking to myself.
“Awesome!” Kristin yells as she continues to push and pull the bridge, it swaying and creaking in rhythm. Abby jumps up and down, holding both of her arms on either side of the bridge. (It is rather small width-wise)
“Stop it!” I yell, running to the other side with sudden and unexplainable fear.

This memory fades, and a new one floods my dream.

I’m 14. It’s the summer again, and my brother and I get to go out East (where all of my relatives live) by ourselves. We’re flying out from O’Hare (Airport, in Chicago).

“You want the isle?” My brother asks, eyeing the second-to-the-window seat. These seats were 3-across. Not that we minded. There was a man sleeping in the seat nearest the window.

My brother sits in the seat nearest to the man sleeping without waiting for a response, leaving me with the isle.
“Yeah, sure,” I mumble, my immature selfishness wanting the seat closer to the window.

We take off, and my brother points out the window. He’s only 10 at this time.
“Look!” Justin says.
“What is it?” I say, trying to pop my ears as we continue to jostle higher and higher. I’m not afraid of heights.

We’re flying over part of Lake Michigan. Perfect.

“Oh my God.” I say softly, my eyes widening.
“Cool!” My brother whispers excitedly.
“Why don’t we close the window shade, please?” I plead towards my brother, who was sitting closer and therefore could have easily reached around the sleeping-man and closed the window shade. My heart is pumping slightly now.
“No Jillian, take a picture,” He says, staring as though transfixed by water.

“Oh please don’t,” I say, staring straight ahead and gripping my arm rests harder than what was normal. My blood pressure rose only a few points that time.

The memory fades, and I’m thrown almost simultaneously into another.

I’m 17, and my family took a trip to Myrtle Beach. Lots of water, sun, and no boardwalk or people to worry about.

We decided to go to an outdoor mall. Where part of it seemed to be over a lake. And in order to get from one side to the next, one had to cross several small wooden ‘walkways’ over the water. My Uncle is there, already heading over to the other side. I stiffen up, standing near the entry for one.

“Come on Jillian,” My brother taunts me across. I walk steadily forward, looking straight ahead. Both arms out like I’m on the balance beam. My heart is beating fast now, my breathing rapid. The need to be on land is so overpowering I feel almost overwhelmed to get there as quick as I can.

I practically skip the last couple of planks and dive onto the cement. I bend over, my breathing heavy. I look back, wayyyy back. I’ve crossed a lot of bridge in a very short time. Stalling while the rest of my family catches up, I pretend I’m tying my shoe.

“Wait up, Jillian!” My mom playfully shouts out, catching up rather quickly.

“You okay?” She says, her expression changing rapidly to concern. I’m still slightly out of breath from walking entirely too fast across a bridge and from the extreme amount of anxiety I’m experiencing.

“F-fine,” I say, shuddering. I never want to go back to the other of that bridge again.

Now, the memories turn into a dream. How I can remember all of this detail is practically overwhelming me now…Must finish. :-)

We’re on a LONG bridge, over water. It seems to stretch out for miles.
“Oh my God,” I say silently, now being able to talk with my ‘real’ mouth and not just witnessing a memory again.
“Yeah, you ready?!” The present-Kristin yells to my left as if she’s about ready to race me across this bridge. I still remember her as an 11-year-old for some reason, and the images collide for a second before I see her as she actually is.
“What are you talking about??” I yell back to her. For some reason the need to yell is important.

It’s the wind.

I realize that this is what is impairing my hearing and what is causing us both to yell at each other. It took me a minute to realize this in my dream, so I figured I would type it out this way as well. Weird, ‘eh?

“I’m not going across this thing!!!” I speak in normal tones now, to Kristin.
“Yes you are.” My mother says, coming up behind me and stops to the right. This bridge is really wide. Wide enough for about 3 semi’s side-by-side to fit through. Kristin and I are standing in the middle of the bridge, my mother a little off to the right, as if she’s waiting for a taxi to pull up or something.

I shake my head.

“No…WAY!!” I yell to her; the wind is picking up again. I feel like I’m about ready to jump out of a plane.

“Do it.” Abby says in her present form, standing beside Kristin.

“What the hell is going on?” I say, more to myself than anything.

“You have to go!” My brother says, now coming up beside mom. My dad is also there, and my Uncle.
When did they come in? I vaguely wonder.

“But, I can’t!” I say, my hands already starting to shake even though I’m not even on the bridge yet.

“GO!!!” Kristin yells at the top of her lungs, startling me. She jumps up from her crouching position and sprints awhile up the bridge, but still close enough to where we all can see and hear her.
“Look, I’m across and nothing bad is going to happen to me!” She yells out gleefully, cupping her hands around her mouth so that we can hear her better.

“But I’m afraid something bad will happen to me!” I shout back, shivering. Somehow, I don’t think that shudder was because of the wind…

“Just go, please?” My mother says, raising her hand to cast a shadow over her eyes; she waves at Kristin.

I barely notice, but my brother has now taken my arm and is pulling me onto the bridge! I’m able to get free, and I go running back to where Abby stands, hiding behind her. Suddenly, she whips around and grabs my arm, holding tight.

“NO!” I yelp out, a little startled that she turned around so quickly. My brother hustles over and grabs my other arm, and together they are strong enough to drag me onto the bridge.

“No, STOP!!! STOP IT NOW!!!” I scream at the top of my lungs, now becoming petrified. My heart is pounding fit to burst. I can feel the water pulsing underneath the bridge, raging white water waiting to swallow me up…

“I’M AFRAID!!! STOP PLEASE STOP!!!” I scream some more. My mother just watches, astonished.
“This is for your own good,” My brother yells over my continuing screams and pleads. I’m thrashing now, thrashing as if I’m already in the water, as if it’s sucking me down, pulling me into the black depths. The bridge is going to crush me if I fall into the water. I just know it!

“MOM!!! PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!” I scream to my mother, who just watches. My dad shakes his head, as if unwilling to accept that I’m actually terrified of bridges over water. Kristin is getting closer to me now, and my parents further away.

Suddenly, I’m dropped.

I hit my head hard on one of the hard wooden planks spanning across the bridge, making it sturdy.

THUD.

My skull makes a resounding noise. I groan as I lay in a world of pain, but no one comes over. The pain slowly resides, and I remember where I’m at.

Between the slats that I’m laying face-down upon, I can see the water below, raging. I’m shaking, trying to calm myself and not look up and not see that I’m actually on a bridge, that I’m actually looking down into a raging river hundreds of feet below. I can’t be that close. It’s not possible.

I’ve stopped screaming.

“I told you it was okay,” Someone whispered in my ear. It wasn’t Kristin. It also didn’t sound like Abby, my brother, my dad or my mom. It wasn’t my Uncle, either.

It sounded nothing like their voices, but strangely, it sounded like someone’s voice, but who’s? I knew this person, but I couldn’t place my finger on it…

I had to find out.

I lift my head up slowly, the feeling of passing out seeming to come and go like the tide below me. I wanted to pass out so badly because I was so scared, but at the same time I wanted to see who it was. Would I be able to raise my head inches off the ground to find out before I was to surely black out?

I raise my head slowly, blackness gathering on the edges of my brain at an incredible rate. I look up, and into the eyes of the person I’ve known for practically my entire life.

It was Shai.

In my dream, I passed out cold on the bridge.

In real life, I woke up about 3 seconds later, breathing like I had just run the mile.

I run to my dorm window to check to make sure there wasn’t any water in sight.

Nope, no water. Just air, and the entire span of Normal, Illinois laid out before me. I’m 16 stories up, in my dorm room.

I can see far, and wide.

There isn’t a single bridge over water as far as I can see.

And that comforts me.

Pretty much my day has been up…and down.

The ‘Up’ Parts are generally a feeling of excitement for my new job every time I think about Friday. Also, I turned in my shirts from Vrooman today back to Campus Dining Services on campus, so that was a feeling of relief.

Another ‘Up’ part would be I got an 87% on my math quiz, which can hopefully bring my grade up, even if by a bit. I’m hoping to get a B out of that class but I think I’ll have to deal with a ‘C’…

Okay.

The down parts were leaving Vrooman yesterday, having the slightest feeling of sadness that I’ll never probably see Cortez (Another cashier) or Latoya (We met because she does sandwiches by me) ever again; and these are the people that I helped and goofed around with the most.

Saying good-bye to that part of my life was also kind of hard today. I mean I’m ready to move on from all of the Dining Center feel — but it’s just hard to go away from a workplace that you’ve been working in for a year.

Another down part would have to be Jeanette practically crying to me on the phone because we had our ITK Lab test today and she did not think she got a very good grade.

She couldn’t get the second part of the test (the second program) to compile and it made her very, VERY upset. The test said if one part of the test doesn’t compile that you get a ZERO for that part of the test.

I mean I also had trouble with the same part that Joanette had trouble on, but I eventually figured it out and was able to solve the problem(s) that I was having with the program.

I also feel I have minor OCD because I just remade my bed because my afghan on one side was almost on the floor and there was nothing on the other side (Although I can’t see ‘the other side’ because it is against the wall, I could still picture it).

It annoyed me so much that I pulled my bed out from the wall and practically remade the whole thing. I also re-did my bottom drawer of my desk where I keep all of my books because it was a disaster…

And now I feel like I’m going insane because I ran out of dust-wipes that I usually use to clean and now EVERYTHING seems to be dusty…

I remembered the word for ‘not happy, not upset’ –

It’s Content.