So, I have been transfered to the Dominos in Bloomington. I asked to be transfered so that I could, you know, make…pizzas.

Delivery was putting WAYYYY too many miles on my car, and let’s face it, the people are hotter when you talk to them on the phone and BEFORE you see them in person. Because on the phone it is a woman and in person they are wearing nothing but a t-shirt and are an obese old man picking his nose.

“Thank you for calling Dominos will this be for pick-up or delivery?” I ask in the rapid tell-me-your-order-now-bitch tone.

“Yes I would like one large cheese pizza…” The man says. I hear him muffle the phone as he talks with people in the background. He comes on a few seconds later.

“And could I also get eight of your garlic butter dipping sauces please?” He asks. I try to detect a falter in his voice, as if at any moment he is going to shout out ‘APRIL FOOLS’.

Eh, I’ve been asked for weirder things.

I ring him up and give him the total over the phone. After I hang up I hear the stickers being printed out behind me. I put them on the boxes and put them up on our shelf to wait for the pizzas to come out of the oven.

“Wait,” One of the delivery drivers says, looking at the box, “He ordered EIGHT garlic butters?”

“Yeah,” I say, shrugging.

“Looks like SOMEONE doesn’t have the kids tonight,” Mike says, winking at me. I laugh; the other drivers stare at Mike.

“Feel free to have bad mental images amongst yourselves,” Mike says, waving his hands.

It’s days like today that make me want to crawl under my bed (with my computer, naturally), and NEVER come out until much later.

Today I seemed to be just the person to bring out the stupidity…in EVERYONE.

I went to Kohl’s today to look at watches, because mine is worn off in several places around the band and every morning I have to set it forward by five minutes because I guess overnight it changes into a newspaper and then forgets what time it is when it changes back into a watch…

Or, something.

“Yes, sir can you please point me to the watches?” I say to the first employee I see as I enter this store.

“…watches?” He says blankly, staring at me.

“You know…watches,” I say, pointing to my wrist.

“I’m sorry I don’t think we have any of those things here,” He says slowly.

“WATCHES,” I say loudly because NO ONE can be that slow, “You know, jewelry?”

“Ohhhh jewelry, yeah down this aisle and on the left,” He says, nodding and pointing me down a nearby aisle.

Then today at work, so many people I guess don’t realize that Dominos serves PIZZA.

Not chinese.

Not ice cream.

Not blowjobs.

PIZZA.

“Thank you for calling Dominos will this be for delivery or pick up?” I say in the normal rapid tone of the pizza order-taker to the man over the phone.

“Do you guys have…pizza?” I hear a small voice ask.

“Yes sir.”

“What can I get on my pizza?” He asks. At this point I bring up the THREE PAGES worth of toppings.

“You can get Pepperoni, Sausage, cheese, onions, green olives, black olives, green peppers, jalepenos, philly steak, cheddar cheese, and the list goes on sir.”

“You can put that on a pizza?!” He asks, incredulous that people would actually want things like ‘pepperoni’, ’sausage’ or ‘cheese’ on a pizza. Like, dude, don’t you have normal stuff like anchovies, boogers and carrots to go on pizza?

Duh.

Like I said: am I a magnet for stupidity today or something?

“Thank you for calling Dominos pizza will this be for delivery or carry out?” I pick up the ringing Dominos phone and say.

“Take-out,” She says.

“Is that delivery ma’am?” I ask, pulling up her address automatically.

“Nooooo I said take…wait, you guys have delivery?” I hear her say.

“Well, normally when people ask for delivery our drivers actually will it to our customers by using a highly specialized telekinesis method, patented by Dominos,” Is what I wanted to say.

“Yes ma’am we do,” Is what I really said.

“You guys never had delivery before!” She said, and it took all the willpower I could get to keep from hanging up on her. I guess she thought the drivers who have the giant “DOMINOS” signs lit up all the time on top of their cars were there for decoration.

And on and on it went ALL day today. I had a guy come in to pick up his carry out order - he looked around and said “Boy you guys serve a lot of pizzas here don’t ya’?”

No sir, this is just a huge front - we actually sell tacos out the back.