It’s days like today that make me want to crawl under my bed (with my computer, naturally), and NEVER come out until much later.

Today I seemed to be just the person to bring out the stupidity…in EVERYONE.

I went to Kohl’s today to look at watches, because mine is worn off in several places around the band and every morning I have to set it forward by five minutes because I guess overnight it changes into a newspaper and then forgets what time it is when it changes back into a watch…

Or, something.

“Yes, sir can you please point me to the watches?” I say to the first employee I see as I enter this store.

“…watches?” He says blankly, staring at me.

“You know…watches,” I say, pointing to my wrist.

“I’m sorry I don’t think we have any of those things here,” He says slowly.

“WATCHES,” I say loudly because NO ONE can be that slow, “You know, jewelry?”

“Ohhhh jewelry, yeah down this aisle and on the left,” He says, nodding and pointing me down a nearby aisle.

Then today at work, so many people I guess don’t realize that Dominos serves PIZZA.

Not chinese.

Not ice cream.

Not blowjobs.

PIZZA.

“Thank you for calling Dominos will this be for delivery or pick up?” I say in the normal rapid tone of the pizza order-taker to the man over the phone.

“Do you guys have…pizza?” I hear a small voice ask.

“Yes sir.”

“What can I get on my pizza?” He asks. At this point I bring up the THREE PAGES worth of toppings.

“You can get Pepperoni, Sausage, cheese, onions, green olives, black olives, green peppers, jalepenos, philly steak, cheddar cheese, and the list goes on sir.”

“You can put that on a pizza?!” He asks, incredulous that people would actually want things like ‘pepperoni’, ’sausage’ or ‘cheese’ on a pizza. Like, dude, don’t you have normal stuff like anchovies, boogers and carrots to go on pizza?

Duh.

Like I said: am I a magnet for stupidity today or something?

“Thank you for calling Dominos pizza will this be for delivery or carry out?” I pick up the ringing Dominos phone and say.

“Take-out,” She says.

“Is that delivery ma’am?” I ask, pulling up her address automatically.

“Nooooo I said take…wait, you guys have delivery?” I hear her say.

“Well, normally when people ask for delivery our drivers actually will it to our customers by using a highly specialized telekinesis method, patented by Dominos,” Is what I wanted to say.

“Yes ma’am we do,” Is what I really said.

“You guys never had delivery before!” She said, and it took all the willpower I could get to keep from hanging up on her. I guess she thought the drivers who have the giant “DOMINOS” signs lit up all the time on top of their cars were there for decoration.

And on and on it went ALL day today. I had a guy come in to pick up his carry out order - he looked around and said “Boy you guys serve a lot of pizzas here don’t ya’?”

No sir, this is just a huge front - we actually sell tacos out the back.